Liz Lemon: Who’s gonna go with me to cooking class next weekend?
Guy at Bar: Well if by ‘cooking class’ you mean ‘your bed’ and by ‘next weekend’ you mean ‘tonight’…
Liz Lemon: Oh, shut up. I can see your wedding ring. Idiot.
—30 Rock, “Blind Date” (10/25/06)
In another day or so, Wife and I will be taking delivery of the first new bed we’ve purchased together.
In our first foray into the world once the snow settled down, the two of us went bed shopping. Our current mattress is older than Wee One and, when the springs start poking out the sides of the mattress and tearing at the sheets, your clothing and occasionally your flesh, you know it’s time for a new one. On the other hand, we got a little mileage out of: “How did you get that scratch?” “Oh…in bed.” (Okay, maybe that was just me.)
So we went to a few different places to shop for beds, and Guys, if you feel dopey being out with your Significant Other while she’s shopping for clothes, you ain’t seen nothing yet. At least when you’re doing that, you’re kind of the Innocent Bystander, standing there patiently while she’s looking through the racks and running in and out of the fitting room. When you’re bed shopping together, you become part of the theater.
See, when you’re buying a bed, you have to try the thing out at some point. You can’t just point to a bed and hope for the best; this is a commitment. This means that you can’t help it: you have to break down and actually lie on the thing. Wife would usually lie down on the bed and stare at the ceiling of the store for awhile, then she’d call me over. “Come on, honey. Lie down with me.” So now I have to go over and there we are, side by side on a bare mattress, fully clothed, just like we sleep at home. Then it’s, “Turn on your side, honey, ‘cause that’s how you sleep.” For whatever reason, she felt no need to change position, even though she doesn’t sleep on her back.
The first place we went to was staffed solely by a guy named Frank. I remember this because he told me his name five thousand times. Frank was also pretty fond of telling us that he was very “low-pressure.” He was so low pressure that it began to rain in the store. Heh. But he did answer our questions and managed to give us a couple of decent offers. However, since it was the first place we’d been to, we didn’t want to commit right away.
Our next stop was the White Marsh Mall. We had a baseline to work from, and our first stop was in Sears. If you feel dumb lying on the bed in the mattress store, try it in Sears. Wife didn’t much like anything there, so that was blissfully brief.
From there we popped in to the Sleep Number store. This is the one that The Bionic Woman is often seen whoring out on television. The beds were pretty neat, but A) they’re really pricey, even on sale, and B) while they contour nicely to your body, they don’t re-adjust very quickly at all when you change position. The salesman’s angle was that, when you’re in the Sleep Number bed, you won’t change position nearly as often because you’ll be sleeping so much better. I suppose this is fine for while you’re sleeping, but when you’re reading or watching TV or (face it) boinking first, and then you switch into Sleep Position, that’s when it’s a problem. The other issue is that
Wife and I are I’m what the medical community clinically refers to as a “fatass”, and the two of us on what’s essentially an air mattress made us both a little nervous. So, Sleep Number was out.
As we made our way back home, we spotted yet another mattress place, so we popped in there. There, we were assisted by an older guy who wore a back brace much like the one to the right, except that it wasn’t closed in front. He was a guy who’d been in the business forever, though, and was able to tell us in great detail why one bed cost more than another, how this bed was good for one thing and another bed for another, exactly why we didn’t like the Memory Foam jobbies, and so on. Oddly enough, we stayed far, far away from the one he noted he had at home. Ultimately he passed us on to one of his colleagues, who talked to us a bit more. For an amount comparable to what we would have spent at the first place, we got what we decided was a better bed.
So with any luck, before much longer we’ll be sleeping on our brand-new Simmons Beautyrest bed. Which is good, since this is me before I’ve had my beauty sleep:
And this is me after I’ve had my beauty sleep:
Naturally, I’m going to need a HELL of a lot of sleep.